I know it’s been a while…

And there’s no recipe.

Join me and the San Mateo County Library on Zoom for this discussion on an unique exploration of Puerto Rican history through food.

Wednesday, March 8, at 6:30 PM | FREE

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Hey everyone,

It’s been a month since I’ve posted anything on social media or written a newsletter.

I’ve been in hiding. I don’t know when it was that I got the MRI, but when I did they thought they saw something on the X-ray. They pointed it out to me on the chart. Could be something. Could be nothing. Either way, they wanted me to go forward with a CT-Scan with contrast and it took nearly a month to get the appointment. After waiting 48 hours post scan with no response, I called the office and they said the neurologist still hadn’t reviewed the notes. Which meant that I still didn’t know what the results were. If she doesn’t review them by March 1st (tomorrow), they release them on the hospital’s app and then I can review them for myself.

As of right now, she still hasn’t reviewed them. I do not know what the results are. And for the love of all that is holy, please don’t drop into my DMs and ask, “Did you hear anything?” Y’all will be amongst the first to know! I assure you.

In the meantime, I’ve just been spiraling. I laid down on the cold table and felt the contrast shoot through my veins turning my entire body fiery. And now I’m waiting for that radioactive contrast they shot through my veins to turn me into an X-Men. Preferably, Storm. My cuñado says he chooses Gambit.

The reason why I didn’t talk about it is because everyone turns into an internet doctor. And in the past, a few people have even put their panicked projections upon me. I just cannot deal with that shit. I don’t want to hear about your relative’s/cat’s cancer journey. I just…I don’t want to hear any of it and people are fucking weird and don’t know what boundaries are especially when it comes to Parasocial Relationships.

Another thing I’ve learned about myself is when I’m dealing with heavy shit…I seclude myself and try to figure it out on my own. And that has a lot to do with being an only child. A child of an addict. And a child with a parent that was working all the time (something therapists now call “emotional negligence”) and was never there. After a certain age, but still a young age, I was left to deal with a lot of my emotions alone, so when shit hits the fan I retreat into isolation.

And I swear. If I die of cancer after all of my mom’s siblings survived decades of hardcore substance abuse and substance-induced strokes…I’m gonna be pissed!

Thanks to the handful of people that checked in on me as a result of me going dark. I really appreciate that you noticed and made room in your life to check in on me. It means…so much. I love you all.