Nobody Gets Too Much Heaven...

I'm waiting in line.

TRIGGER WARNING: PHOTO BELOW CONTAINS BODILY FLUIDS

Yesterday I was violated by a man.

I was driving home in the afternoon, coming from taking care of Mami. Mami had oral surgery several days ago, they gave her anesthesia and her coming out of it was interesting. I had been asking myself for years when would be the time when I had to test my physical limits during caretaking and the time finally came. I’ve always been strong. But, I’m old now. And lifting Mami out of my low GTI while she’s blissed out and decides to go full deadweight toddler mode on my ass proved to be a challenge that tested the limits of my back.

Her deciding to escape my grip and pull a “wobbly toddler” power shuffling up the driveway while I locked the car doors was almost too hilarious a sight to be angering. Instead it was just frustrating. Obviously her attempt to break free was just enough to tucker her out because she only made it to the porch. I propped her up, but she decided standing in an L-shape was more comfortable…her face pressed against the house. “I’m okay,” she said while I unlocked the house door.

I put her in her bed, gave her half an oxycodone, changed out her mouth gauze and put her to sleep. Of course, I had to haul ass to the store (30 mins away) to buy her mushy and brothy things to eat. Came back to the house, made the mush and broth, forced her to eat Lipton’s Noodle Soup. “Why is the broth so murky?” “I don’t know.”

I knew. I snuck in some bone broth.

The oral hygienist gave strict instructions to pump Mami up full of mushy, but high caloric, foods for the first two days. And that’s what I did.

Yesterday I went for a walk on one of the nature trails. Walking in Mami’s neighborhood is…no. Unless I want to constantly fight off opioid Zombies and loose blue nose pitties trained to be aggressive, it’s no walk in the park. Instead I drove to an actual nature park. It was the first day I’ve had to myself.

I was driving back to Mami’s when I saw a car driving ahead of me and thought to myself, “this chaotic dude doesn’t know where the hell he’s going.” The car was all over the place. He caught up to me at a red light and we were side by side. The light turned green, I went. He lagged.

As always, I sped off in my little GTI - which is why I keep getting speeding tickets - and weaved in and out of the slow drivers who are oblivious to the fact that if we don’t catch these green lights we’re gonna be sitting here forever! I looked in my rear view mirror and I could see the chaotic dude’s car weaving just the same, trying to catch up with me. I zoomed over the bridge, he zoomed over the bridge. I flew passed the mouth breathers, he flew passed the mouth breathers. Mirroring my steps. I blew across the intersection and finally stopped at a red light. He pulled up right along side me at the red light.

My windows were down. I looked at him and he smiled widely and incoherently mumbled something. I could not hear him. I shook my head, rolled my eyes and turned back towards the red light.

Bam! A huge loogie rocketed across from the passenger side, coming through my window, hitting me and my car. He shouted, “That was a compliment, bitch!”

Loogie on my window to prove to my partner that I’m not sensationalizing

After a microsecond of shock, I just hauled ass out of there. I blew through the red light and luckily accessed the next freeway onramp a block away. I started to wipe my face off with sani-wipes and took my car straight to the nearest quick service car wash. There was no way I was gonna fucking wash that shit off myself. I came home, took a shower and immediately cuddled up to my partner looking for some solace. When I told him he said what every middle class white man says, “Call the police.”

I did post the incident on Instagram, but people’s responses just made me SO MUCH MORE ANGRY. People kept saying, “I think I missed what happened before the spit.” “Why did he do it?”

And it’s like…first of all…maybe the first things out of your fucking mouth, “I’m sorry that happened to you. Are you ok?”

Because if you’re fucking confused…then think how I feel. It literally unfolded just the way I mentioned. This mafucka went from smiling to violent within a nanosecond and people are acting like men don’t do this on the regular. And if you don’t know, then I guess you’ve been lucky not to be on the receiving end of that delicate balance of men’s behavior.

After an emergency session with my therapist I got to unpack why I was really angry. No, not because it’s just another way my government has failed me. Because my entire life…existence and how I’ve had to move in the world is a result of that. What made me the most angry is because of just how many fucking times I willingly put myself in dangerous situations with men.

From the age of 15 when random, strange and always older men would pull over at the bus stop and offer to give me a ride to school. And I took the rides! Luckily, I always made it to school.

All the times when it was my “work” to actually get into the cars of strange men, in the middle of the night, sometimes being taken to their homes (once in San Bruno and I lived in San Francisco), being put in one of the most vulnerable positions (butt ass naked) and nothing physically violent ever happened to me. But, fucking driving home on a random fucking Monday a mafucka spits in my face from his car. I can’t even imagine what the workers have to deal with these days with all this rampant bullshit.

We’re all just drowning rats waiting on the train to take us to the camp. And god forbid you pay your rent late in between the time it takes for them to come and get you because they’ll just come and get you sooner. After making you pay the late fee, of course.